Introspection

Today I realized something that while I knew intellectually, didn't quite sink in. My daughter will always be deaf. She will be a deaf woman, a deaf mother, a deaf professional. While I pray it won't define her, it will certainly impact her in ways I can not even imagine.

How will she hear her child when he/she cries? What will I do when she is bullied? How will I be sure that I both get her the help she needs, yet not allow her to use her impairment as a crutch/ excuse?

And while most of my posts so far have been about Mckenna's hearing loss, I worry too about my oldest. How do I ensure that she knows that just because her sister takes more time, doesn't mean she has more love? How do I be certain she knows that her life does not revolve around her sister's hearing loss, while still being sure she watches out for and protects her sister? Will she come to resent her sister for the extra time she took?

The last 8 months I guess I have been so focused on the sprint to implantation, I did not REALLY recognize the long distance run that is having a child with hearing loss/ cochlear implants. 

Today is the day

Today was it. The big day! No return from here. Today McKenna was implanted.

Many of you know that McKenna received bilateral cochlear implants today.

Our day started off at 4 am, getting washed in her special antibacterial wash and heading to the hospital. We arrived at 5:15am, registered, and headed towards the surgery area. After some more waiting, the anesthesiologist and surgeon came by. They chatted with us, gave us a run down of what was to happen. The nurse talked to McKenna, and of course she reached out her arms. Suddenly, she was gone from us. The nurse said " we better go with it- say goodbye" and suddenly it was all too real. 

As they took her away I began to cry of course. After all, what if I never see her again? What if something goes terribly wrong? The anesthesiologist was kind enough to offer to text me throughout the surgery, and I pounced on that. I stared at my phone- willing him to text me. I don't know what I would have done without those intermittent texts telling me she was sailing through.

Finally, the text I was waiting for. " all done- headed to recovery". Suddenly- a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. Our surgeon came out to give the report..... All good!!!! No hiccups or concerns. In fact, it was nearly his personal best as far as time. Then he showed us some pictures that were taken ( he teaches other surgeons how to do this) and I wasn't prepared for that. Her intubated, eyes taped shut. And her little face so swollen and bruised after surgery.

We were called back, and as soon as the doors opened I could hear her crying... This aweful terrible cry she has never done before. Despite all our best efforts she couldnt get comfortable, and the nurse got her some more pain meds. More crying from me feeling so helpless to make it better, and more pacing and stoic silence from the hubby( he won't admit it but he was trying not to cry).

So here we are, trying to sleep

Off the anesthesia, dreading the car ride home. I know we made the right choice for her, and I am so glad that this part of the journey is over!!

The emotions are intense... Fear, anxiety, excitement, relief, helplessness, and joy, all rolled into 1 giant ball. Here begins our new family journey!!!